Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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