I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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