i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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