Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
