Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
