my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
