Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
