just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
