I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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