Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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