Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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