You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The uberlube is also flammable
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
