Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
