I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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