Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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