Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
