If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
