I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
