I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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