She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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