I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
