please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize