there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
