Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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