I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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