Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
