who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
