The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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