I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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