The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
