i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize