: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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