I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I will pee on everything he values.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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