I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
