the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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