the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
