I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just had sex bonerless
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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