I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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