I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
