is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
well you can't waste a boner
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
