Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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