Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
