either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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