I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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