I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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