Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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