So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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