you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
