i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
