Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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