I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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