I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
