.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
