shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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