I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I will pee on everything he values.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
