i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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